About Intimacy

What is intimacy?

We think of intimacy as some form of physical bond between our partners. We learn this at an early age, from watching adults on television and from the movies. As human beings, we crave attention and seek physical connections. I remember holding my partner’s hand while walking across the street, holding an ice cream bar, and then kissing her on the lips. I thought that was the best feeling that a young man can experience—at such a young and impressionable age, having been taught about the birds and the bees wasn’t really about the birds and the bees.

As I matured into a young adult, looking back now, I can say that intimacy is more than the physical connection between two individuals. Yes, we love to caress and hug our partners because our bodies release feel-good oxytocin hormones into our system. But what if I told you that intimacy goes beyond the absorption of other hormones such as dopamine. You probably would not believe me, and you can thank all the countless romance novels or movies you have watched over the years.

Intimacy “It is not purely physical. It’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply. You feel like you can see into the soul.”

Imagine you want to go on a road trip. You sit down with your partner and discuss where to go and what to do. Both of your budget for every expense and set out goals and expectations for each other. The day of the trip comes, and everything goes well with proper planning. You come home, shower, sit back, and look at all your pictures and nothing but smiles. You gaze and stare at your partner and say “I had a stress-free holiday”.

The above is a perfect example of “Experimental Intimacy” when people bond during leisure activities. Now I am not talking about going on an excursion to build Experimental Intimacy with your partner. You can go on a hike, wash a car together, or even bake your favorite chocolate chip cookies. During that time, you get to communicate, talk, and open up about each other. We confide in people whom we trust. We also don’t expect them to embarrass or belittle us.

Have you ever told a friend about something personal? Only to have that friend expose what you said to everyone. This person has severed your trust and emotionally you withdraw from them, and frankly, this person is not a friend. True friends do not expose or tell secrets about one another. Now imagine if your loved one did that? How would you feel? Disgusted, or worse you feel it physically like a punch in the stomach.

Emotional intimacy is where one can allow yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities, and trust.  Couples are much happier when they can share and know they are in a judgment-free environment. If emotional intimacy is lacking, you may feel a lack of safety, love, and connection, and it also will most likely affect the physical intimacy in a romantic relationship.

Now imagine being in a relationship where it was all physical. Just like Bryan Adams’s famous song “One-night Love Affair,” would you feel empty? I know I would. Now put yourself in this situation. You just watched or read the news, and the government is raising interest rates. You are upset because you see the value of your dollar disappearing by the week. Coming home, you discuss the topic with your better half, and they use their critical thinking skills and state that higher interest rates decrease inflation. The wheels in your head begin to spin, and it makes sense. You smile and kiss your partner and say “why you are so bright”. This is a prime example of “Intellectual Intimacy”. In this relationship style, you want to spend significant amounts of time engaging together in what stimulates you mentally.

“Spiritual Intimacy” is essential, especially as we get older; we all start to believe in some form of a higher power. I believe in the big man in the sky now, whether your partner believes in the sun god or the little plant they bought at the local drug store no matter what you believe, it’s personal. Understanding your partner means understanding their beliefs and what they value the most. Remember Jean Reno’s character in the movie Leon. How much did he adore and love his plant?

We briefly just touched on the topics of intimacy and this is a good start for those on the path of searching for what love is. An equal to the search for love is the topic of communication.  Understanding intimacy styles and communication styles are important concepts for forming connections and relationships.  Communication is an essential element in the love quotient.  The better the communication, the better the depth of sharing, and the deeper the feelings become which lay the foundation for a solid connection. If love is the aim, then communication is the bow from which to shoot the word arrows to connect with your love. If love is the goal, then communication is the key.