Ignite Blog

We Want to be Sexy

In my opinion, “sexiness” is something that we develop. Being sexy is not as simple as winning the genetic lottery and physically desirable. To me, being sexy is the product of a strong and stable self-concept.

Self-concept is how you perceive yourself in terms of your abilities, characteristics, and behaviour.

Who am I?

Of course, the way we view ourselves can and will change. We all have ups and downs, explore new things, associate with different groups of people, changes to our career and family. Self-concept is shaped largely in our younger years because generally this is when we are laying down the foundation of who we hope to be. We are more impressionable at a young age, we have to make a lot of important decisions, all while actively learning more about ourselves and what inspires us. Our self-concept is so much more “malleable” as we are figuring things out.

Each  experience, success, and failure is something that reaffirms or challenges something we thought we knew or understood about ourself. In my own life, I only feel like the pieces are starting to come together now in terms of a deeper understanding of who I am. It took years of “data” from just living life to develop a more stable view of myself. I think I am at a place now where some of the details might change, but the big picture and the personal narrative is there.

That’s The Thing

It takes time to develop a strong self-concept because you need to experience life. Therefore it takes time to be “sexy” because being sexy comes from being confident in who you are. We might be born attractive but we  aren’t born with the answers we need to find our place. With little exception, the people I have met who I would call sexy, are usually the most memorable people as well. They were people from different walks of my life (whether it be work, sports, or school) who had found their voice. These people knew what they were good at, how they stood relative to others, and were generally open-minded and eager to help others.

Being sexy isn’t about what you look like, it’s about how you view and understand yourself: a strong self-concept. This takes time and it’s for that reason that I think we need to re-evaluate our understanding of the word. Sexiness is a developed trait. It’s a trait that holds complexities as there are as many variables as there are people.  And if it is true that sexiness can be developed then it’s true we have some control over how we develop our sexiness qualities.

Part of that is living in your truth, being who you are, being connected to yourself, and in being authentic.  Being authentic means sharing your truth(s) and not being afraid to show who you are.  The ability to be vulnerable is part of those sexiness qualities and learning to communicate gives voice to your sexiness.  Learning to tap into your authenticity is the ignition you need to bring out your sexy self.

Healing for Happiness

Denis Waitley once said, “Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” When we experience negativity or trauma in our life, this energy might vibrate differently in our bodies, causing blockages or diseases. Giving up anger, moving from negative to positive emotions, and maintaining a positive mindset lead to happiness and excellent health. Using relaxation techniques, cultivating meaningful connections, staying physically active, doing good for others, and always learning are essential aspects of living a happy, healthy life.

According to a 2019 Concordia University study, when older people feel angry frequently and hold on to unpleasant emotions, it increases inflammation levels. It makes them more prone to acquiring chronic heart disease, arthritis, and diabetes.

While daily sentiments of anger, past trauma, or poisonous old habits can all have negative health consequences, the researchers stress that short-term rage focused on a fleeting event or incident can inspire a person to take constructive action and find solutions. Forgiving, letting go of anger and resentment, shifting to more pleasant emotions, and a good attitude lead to better physical and mental health.

Psychological and emotional trauma is caused by highly stressful situations that destroy your feeling of security, leaving you feeling powerless in a hazardous environment. Psychological trauma can leave you with lingering negative emotions, memories, and worry. It can also make you feel cold and distant, and make it hard to trust others. Traumatic situations frequently include a threat to one’s existence or security yet which leaves you feeling overwhelmed and lonely can result in trauma, even if there is no physical damage.

Childhood trauma may result from anything that interrupts a children’s sense of security, such as insecure or dangerous circumstances, absence from a parent, domestic abuse, abandonment, and so on. While traumatic events can happen to anybody, you are more likely to be traumatized by an incident if you are under a lot of stress, have recently suffered a string of losses, or have previously been traumatized, primarily if the previous trauma occurred when you were a child.

Forgiveness is crucial for the healing process. If we tend to fixate on suffering this causes stress and sets us up for more pain and hurt; mental health issues frequently cause physical aches and pains. Depression, for example, is a medical condition that causes unpleasant physiological responses. Inability to forgive causes symptoms of depression and anxiety, which can lead to health problems. When we fail to forgive, our brains remain on high alert, which might have detrimental health consequences.

Forgiveness and healing are not instantaneous. It is a process that necessitates both work and practice. It’s possible that you won’t get it right every time. Remember that you have a choice in how you react to your emotions. Identifying the feelings linked with your pain is one of the first steps. Recognize how your feelings are physically influencing you. Wait until you are calm before responding to the occurrence. And when your calm this is when you can forgive and find the peace to move forward.

Psychological healing is the process of admitting, allowing, accepting, integrating, and processing traumatic life memories and raw emotions. It may entail compassion, consciousness, personality, self-acceptance, awareness, and integration. You may not enjoy the pain you’re in, and you may be hesitant to work on emotional healing because you’re terrified of what you could discover in the procedure. Yet as hard as it is, emotional healing can boost your overall emotional, mental, and physical health, your sense of well-being, life satisfaction, and your relationship with yourself and others. Learning how to heal means we open a door to happiness.

Trauma

We’ve all been through traumatic situations or incidents that have significantly impacted our lives. Trauma is a long-term emotional reaction that generally occurs due to witnessing a traumatic event. People who have experienced trauma often experience guilt, humiliation, helplessness, and extreme anxiety long after the traumatic incident. A person’s sense of safety, self, and ability to regulate emotions and negotiate relationships can all be harmed by traumatic events. Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss, said, “There are wounds that never show on the body deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

Unlike typical difficulties, traumatic occurrences are unexpected and unanticipated, represent a significant threat to one’s life like bodily injury or death, and feel out of control. Auto accidents, physical abuse, sexual harassment, military combat experiences, and the untimely death of a loved one are all examples of traumatic experiences.

Trauma affects practically everyone at some point in their lives. There are many potent indicators and it’s our behavior that indicates trauma.  Trauma can emerge both physically and emotionally. Paleness, tiredness, weariness, poor focus, and a rapid heartbeat are all classic physical indicators of trauma. The victim may suffer from anxiety or panic episodes, making them unable to cope in specific situations. One of the most prevalent ways that trauma emerges is through emotion. Denial, rage, grief, and emotional outbursts are general emotional signs of trauma. Other coping mechanisms such as apathy or carelessness, acting as if nothing is wrong, abusing drugs or alcohol, and many other destructive behaviors against one’s self are often triggered. And the body keeps track of the score; it remains on high alert, ready to fend against violence, deprivation, or rejection.

Victims of trauma frequently struggle not just to express themselves but also to listen to and absorb what is being spoken to them. Survivors who are hyperaware of their surroundings can lose focus and dissociate from the present.

Communication and trust are essential components of any relationship, but a traumatic event frequently harms them. Trauma has the potential to shatter a person’s faith in the world and other humans. A survivor’s diminished trust can make communication difficult and potentially harm a relationship’s core fiber. Many survivors believe that “I used to trust, and it cost me a lot of money. As a result, I’m going to safeguard myself by never trusting anyone else again.” Following a traumatic event, the world and people, in general, can appear entirely unpredictable.

Healing does not always imply complete emancipation from the effects of a traumatic event. Rehabilitation is a unique experience that will change from person to person. Recovery is defined as the ability to live in the present without being consumed by memories and emotions from the past. Symptoms of trauma can persist anywhere from days to several weeks to months, gradually dissipating as you absorb the upsetting incident.

Everyone’s experience with trauma will be unique. Even when you’re feeling much better, you may be bothered by painful recollections or emotions from time to time, especially in response to triggers like the event’s anniversary or something that reminds you of the trauma. Allowing people to let go of the victim label will enable them to perceive themselves as survivors, growing and feeling hopeful about the future. The impacts of trauma cannot be underestimated as it underpins all forms of interactions and communication.  Simple breathing exercises can release hyperawareness, destress the individual, reduce cortisol loading (leading to fight or flight), and initiate the parasympathetic nervous system responsible for the “rest and digest” actions of the body.  Moving into rest and relaxation has benefits that make subtle shifts in the body and mind and over time these shifts form a foundation of strength and wisdom.  One simple key is to breathe; breath is life, oxygen is connection; connection to your heart, your mind, your soul, and to others.  Find your breath and you will find your voice.

Intimacy: Is it real?

Why do we need connections? For starters, we are human beings, and as such, we are social animals. Would you like to know what would happen when we don’t socialize and build connections? All you have to do is read the latest news about addiction or violence and the effects these have on society. The majority who are involved are suffering from some form of mental health issue as a result of a lack of connection and of isolation.

Now let’s go deep and talk about ourselves. Why do we need to build connections? From a young age, I was taught by a wise man. He said, ” in life, you have friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for life.”

Friends for a reason

It is not who you know in life, but who knows you! Every time you engage with someone, you are creating an opportunity. It is vital because you never know when it will come in handy. Whatever path you choose in your life, connections are essential to advance your personal life and your career. When someone gives you a push and recommends you for a specific position, it’s not because you have the skills. You have the experience and displayed trust. Now it’s not just the career factor to seek connections. It can also be your hobby. Would you connect more with someone who has the same interest as you? This way, you can share knowledge and help each other grow as a person.

Friends for a season?

Now people come and go, and that’s the reality of life. Unfortunately, nothing last forever because, just like seasons, people change also. It can be a life-changing event that makes someone disappear. I was friends with this one individual for five years. All it took was the death of his parents, and this person vanished. However, in those five years, I experienced a lot of growth and learned a lot from him. He was a few years older than I and gave me good, solid advice. I will always be grateful for some of the deep conversations we had about the challenges of being a man and what we can do to be better.

FFL (#Friends4Life)

Now I am sure we all want to have friends from the age of five until forever 🙂  Who doesn’t like to receive a weekly phone call from someone who wants to check in with you? We are talking about individuals who genuinely care about your welfare. This category of connections increases your sense of belonging and purpose.  Having this type of friendship also boosts your happiness, reduces your stress, and improves your self-confidence and self-worth. A spin-off is that these friendships help you cope with drama, traumas, and everyday struggles in the modern world. It’s so enjoyable when your long-time friend calls and asks how you have been and both of you share an inside joke/moment/story.  You laugh and reminisce and find time for each other.  It’s through this connection and through laughter that we reduce stress. Laughter is the best medicine, they say.

Building connections go beyond building friendships. New connections will introduce you to new ideas and business alliances regardless of your industry. A reason, a season, and lifetime connections are so valuable to our well-being and our progress.  And in those connections, sharing who you are through stories, through being vulnerable, through being real and open and authentic are where the magic happens.  This sharing can happen between friends, between colleagues, between you and an audience, and between you and a lover.  We all want better connections, and better relationships and we know that the connections lead to better health and wellness. Make living in connectedness your mantra.

We are generally unaware of how disconnected we are from ourselves and our bodies.

There is a give-and-take process between our health and our experiences. Our health impacts our experience of the world, and our experiences affect our health. We are disconnected from our bodies when we are unaware of this relationship. This process is as unique as yours.

Why is this important?

You can “get away” with many things in life until suddenly you can’t. There are many examples of this, such as a nagging injury, improper technique in an activity, or even just a bad habit that hasn’t pulled you under quite yet. We often find ways to work around our problems, even succeed (for a while) despite them. In my life, I have trained on injuries I didn’t know I had (Achilles tendonitis, IT-Band Syndrome, broken foot) and done well in school while tying two hands behind my back with horrible sleep hygiene and non-stop anxiety. Almost always, I would reach a wall where I was forced to look inward and listen to my body so that I could care for it better. At this point, I would have to face the reality that something was out of balance, and I needed to address it before moving forward. Most of the time, I wouldn’t know what I was actually doing wrong apart from not feeling like I should.

Hence….

I was disconnected from my body!

There was a time when I couldn’t draw the connection between my sleep hygiene, declining academic performance, declining athletic performance, and a general feeling of disconnect from my family and friends. It didn’t feel like I was always present, more like I was some fly on the wall. What bothered me the most was that these problems seemed to start all at once without warning.

• Why was I tired all the time?
• Why was I getting out of breath so quickly while exercising?
• Why was it so hard to focus in school and get through reading a chapter?  
• Why is my face so gaunt? 
• Why am I so irritable with my family and friends?
• Why don’t I feel like doing anything?

Of course, this definitely did not come out of anywhere. What was really happening was the cracks were now starting to show from poor lifestyle decisions. My body could no longer keep up with what I was asking: physically (climbing, running, kickboxing) and mentally (school, work). If my body was a car, we had made it as far as possible with the gas light on. Now we were empty. So I did the hard thing, I sat with my thoughts and reconnected with my body.

What was I doing to my health, which affected my experience?

When you listen to your body, it tells you things. In my case, it was a variety of little things that all added up to inadequate sleep. I was drinking too much caffeine and consuming it too late in the day, spending too much time in front of screens before bed (blue light kills), not clearing my mind of the day’s anxieties, thus allowing them to keep me up, scrolling mindlessly on my phone in bed, not closing the blinds and most of all… NOT HAVING A ROUTINE. I didn’t have a system to keep myself accountable and consistent. After I took the time to listen to the body, I was able to find the changes I needed to make. I had reconnected with my body.

It’s all connected.

My sleep problems taught me that health and experience are connected. Nothing about your health won’t manifest in your experience, and no experience is without its influence on your health. I had to assess my lifestyle to understand their relationship when I realized how far out of touch I was with my best self. I want you to take some time to analyze your decisions, lifestyle, and experiences. You may find an opportunity to reconnect with your body and ignite a better you.

Shallow breathing: we breathe by habit-changing.

As it applies to our bodies, I think there are a lot of things that we don’t think about enough. I’m talking about all the “smaller” components, physically and mentally, that is crucial to our overall health and longevity. I have continually expanded the scope of my physical routine by learning things about the body when confronted with a physical challenge or limitation. This is usually the result of one of two things.

1. Lack of knowledge or ignorance. I didn’t realize that something I was doing, or not doing, was harming me because the tangible effects of that action, or inaction, were not yet apparent. Essentially I didn’t know I was making a mistake because the consequences were yet to manifest themselves or they were not yet severe enough to give me pause. Eventually, I would see the ways that a specific problem was undermining my ability to do the things that I loved. When this happened, I would seek appropriate treatment and do everything in my power to make sure that problem never happened again. Through repeating this cycle many times, I have developed a more holistic approach to my health. Many mistakes provided many opportunities to learn about how my body works and the things I need to do to keep it functioning in a way that allows me to keep doing the things I enjoy.
2. I want to do a new activity that requires a new aspect of fitness

For example,

When I was younger, I was reaching new heights as a runner. My 5K time was down to 17:30 and my 10K was inching closer to 39:00 every week. I was running up to 70km a week by the fall of 2020, with a mixture of speed work, long runs, and tempo sessions. Unfortunately, two years of hard training without a single day of stretching, mobility, or strength training in any capacity would catch up with me. In one month I developed IT band syndrome so severe that even walking down the stairs was painful at one point. Shortly after I got Achilles tendonitis on my left side. Between the two injuries, I knew I had to change things or I wouldn’t be able to run the way I like to. In hindsight, I was so naïve about how the body works at that time. Unfortunately, I had to be physically unable to do something I loved to understand that I needed to take care of the “details”. I now do a daily mobility routine and haven’t had an injury related to my hips or calves since.

When I started bouldering and training in Muay Thai kickboxing, it became apparent very quickly that I needed to add a new layer to my physicality. Specifically the flexibility of my hips. By the time I started these activities I was now very flexible in my hamstrings (could put my hands flat on the floor with straight legs) and my calves. I realized that to throw a flashy kick or get my foot to hold, I needed to open up my hips. So I did. Now I can do full splits both ways, and my daily stretching routine places a big emphasis on the groin. This newfound flexibility has allowed me to progress and get more out of the respective activities.

I have learned how to take care of my body over time. Almost always, the impetus was an injury that got in the way of my physical pursuits or a new challenge that demanded something new from me. Today, I am much more proactive when it comes to doing my own research, and preventing things before they happen. Make no mistake, it took time and learning the hard way to reach this mindset. Simply put… the thought of anything slowing me down just pisses me off.

Unfortunately, I think most things in life can be like that; important things never cross our minds until they turn into a problem or a limitation. For me, this tended to be physical things because I have always been active but not always kind to my body.

Then I had a new problem

I realized about six months ago that I didn’t know how to breathe properly. After a particularly stressful period of university and work, I was starting to struggle with my breath in areas where I hadn’t before. In spite of my dedicated fitness regime, I was feeling winded during physical activity and while studying. I took a week to observe my behavior and realized I was shallow breathing! Even worse, the tension in my body was leading me to hold my breath while trying to read. Why I only became aware of the problem then, I am not sure. However, I promptly set out on a mission to fix my breathing. Chances are that unless you have given it much thought, you too are a dyed-in-the-wool chest breather. This means that you are using your rib muscles to bring air into your chest area rather than utilizing your diaphragm to fill your entire lungs with air. The tell-tale sign of a chest-breathing is the raising of your shoulders with the simultaneous contraction of your abdomen. There is a visible difference between this and proper diaphragmatic breathing where the belly expands outward to make room for the diaphragm.

So why is this a problem?

When we shallow breathe, we are only providing ourselves with a limited amount of oxygen which in turn puts our bodies in a state of stress. Stress leads to the activation of our sympathetic nervous system. When the sympathetic nervous system takes over, our body releases large amounts of epinephrine into the bloodstream.  This, in turn, raises our heart rate, blood pressure, and cardiac output (the volume of blood the heart pumps), increases blood flow to our skeletal muscles and decreases it to our digestive system. These effects combine for what we refer to as that “fight or flight response”. Essentially, our body is preparing us to deal with an imminent threat or danger.

The problem arises when our lifestyle has us in a state of chronic stress, therefore leaving the body in constant anticipation of a physical danger that isn’t coming. Bad sleep, long hours, and anxiety can all lead to the long-term release of stress-induced substances such as epinephrine and cortisol. In turn, this leaves us with:

• An increased risk of type 2 diabetes due to consistently elevated blood sugar levels (hyperglycemia)
• Increased risk of Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• Higher chance of Cardiac Disease

Now imagine, as in my case, you have been inducing your body’s stress response for years without knowing it. Breath is fundamental to everything we do, even more so if you enjoy a more physically challenging lifestyle. Your breathing needs to be working for you, not harm you.

Benefits Of Proper (Diaphragmatic) Breathing

• Allows us to use our lungs to their full capacity
• Demands less effort than chest breathing
• Reduces our blood pressure
• Lowered heart rate
• Relaxes us
• Stronger voice

For me, the biggest changes I experience when breathing properly are lower anxiety and far more control over my heart rate. Whether I was running, kickboxing, or climbing; I was able to recover my heart rate far quicker than ever before. I could go from close to my max BPM and settle it down through controlled diaphragmatic breathing.

So How Do We Start Breathing Properly?

Like all bad habits, we have reinforced them over time. As such, it is going to take time to distance ourselves from them. There will need to be a period where you are acutely conscious of your breathing before you settle into diaphragmatic breathing naturally. Below are two diaphragmatic breathing routines from the Cleveland Clinic. Start with the lying down exercise and this method makes it easier to feel the technique. Once confident, move on to the seated routine. Make sure to stay consistent, especially in the beginning. That means dedicating time each day, ideally twice, to focus solely on your breathing.

Lying Down Practice

1. Lie on your back on a flat surface or in bed, with your knees bent and your head supported. You can use a pillow under your knees to support your legs.
2. Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
3. Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out, causing your hand to rise. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
4. Tighten your stomach muscles, so that your stomach moves in, causing your hand to lower as you exhale through pursed lips). The hand on your upper chest should remain as still as possible.

Seated Practice

1. Sit comfortably, with your knees bent and your shoulders, head, and neck relaxed.
2. Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
3. Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out against your hand. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
4. Tighten your stomach muscles, so that your stomach moves back in, as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.

The breath may not have been something you’ve given much thought to simply because it’s something we do every day and we do it automatically.  It’s a seemingly small action yet this small action is the most important thing you do all day.  Without breath, you can’t survive and without breathing properly you are not supporting your healthy functioning overall. Because breathing is so simple we take it for granted and yet the effects of proper breath are fundamental to everything we do. It’s the breath that supports our body, it’s the breath that supports our voice, and it’s our breath that determines how we can stay calm.  Breathing isn’t difficult and breathing properly is our birthright, yet many of us have lost the art of breathing properly over years of cultural conditioning.  Learning how to free your breath is the single most important tool you can have if you want to accelerate your life.  Find out how with Ignite Inc.