Ignite Blog

Personal history manifests in the body, there’s only one path to remove this manifestation: to resolve the latent issues.

Your mind and body are one. In the same way, your health shapes your experiences and is in turn influenced by them, your mind and body are inextricably linked. To neglect one is to neglect the other and in turn, compromise your overall health.

Our body responds to our emotional state. How you are, think, and feel, will always manifest physically.

Unresolved latent trauma will continue to affect us emotionally and therefore physically as well. Whether it be past trauma, embarrassment, shame, guilt, or anger; these feelings will resurface indefinitely unless resolved. They could be related to a particular scenario, individual, or topic that still makes you uncomfortable, causing stress. In my experience, unresolved emotional pain will find its way to cast a shadow in areas of your life that you wouldn’t think you could. They will continue to cause you stress which in turn activates your sympathetic nervous system; releasing epinephrine, and cortisol, raising blood pressure, heart rate, and body temperature, all in the name of preparing you to “fight or flight”. But there is no fight anymore, the damage is still being felt but the situation is over. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t know the difference so it will continue to react as though that negative experience is happening now. By reliving it mentally, your body is continuing to respond to it physically. Doing this will continually recruit your body’s stress response which will eventually start to break you down. You will feel weak, become more injury-prone, more lethargic, and find it that much harder to break the cycle. Keeping your body in a constant state of panic is devastating to your overall health. Studies suggest that unresolved negative emotions are linked to digestive disorders, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension among other health disorders. Simply put, it is not a sustainable option for us to continue to carry the negative parts of our past with us because they will slowly break us. In my experience, you have two options to fix your emotional state that is tied to something from your past. Both involve confronting the latent issue but slightly differently.

You need to be alone with your thoughts and understand everything about the situation that is causing you grief today.

Why?

Why did it happen to me? Why does this still bother me? Why did I do or not do what I did?

What?

What happened to me? What makes me think of it the most?

Who?

Other than me, who was involved in this? Is there an individual or group of people with who I have unresolved feelings?

How?

How is this piece of my past continuing to impact me emotionally and physically?

For me, it always starts with these questions. It might not be the easy thing to do, but if something is bothering me enough (long after it should be), there is no choice. We need to move forward and we can’t do that if we are carrying a piece of our past that is wreaking havoc on our health. Almost always, I find the best thing to do is simply to forgive. Even if it’s just to myself, I need to forgive everything about the situation. The people who may have hurt me but also myself if the issue is guilt or shame. People make mistakes and sometimes it hurts us. We don’t need to like them but we do need to forgive them. If you don’t you’re giving them, along with that situation, power over your present and over your future that will only hurt you.

A recent study from Stanford University called the “Forgiveness Project” took 260 adults and taught them about the power of forgiveness over six weeks. After the course, participants were asked how their new forgiveness skills had impacted their lives. 70% reported having decreased feelings of hurt, 13% experienced less anger, and most interestingly: 27% reported fewer physical side effects to their negative emotions. Forgiveness is a powerful thing because it gives us the ability to surrender to a  negative situation and escape its influence on our lives. By lowering our negative emotions we experience lower blood pressure, better immune function, and some studies suggest a longer lifespan! So don’t run from your negative emotions or try to block them with distractions. Seek to identify them and understand the pieces of your past are responsible for them. Only then can you forgive the situation and embrace the present. And once we embrace our present we can fully be authentic and ignite our dreams and goals.

What is intimacy?

We think of intimacy as some form of physical bond between our partners. We learn this at an early age, from watching adults on television and from the movies. As human beings, we crave attention and seek physical connections. I remember holding my partner’s hand while walking across the street, holding an ice cream bar, and then kissing her on the lips. I thought that was the best feeling that a young man can experience—at such a young and impressionable age, having been taught about the birds and the bees wasn’t really about the birds and the bees.

As I matured into a young adult, looking back now, I can say that intimacy is more than the physical connection between two individuals. Yes, we love to caress and hug our partners because our bodies release feel-good oxytocin hormones into our system. But what if I told you that intimacy goes beyond the absorption of other hormones such as dopamine. You probably would not believe me, and you can thank all the countless romance novels or movies you have watched over the years.

Intimacy “It is not purely physical. It’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply. You feel like you can see into the soul.”

Imagine you want to go on a road trip. You sit down with your partner and discuss where to go and what to do. Both of your budget for every expense and set out goals and expectations for each other. The day of the trip comes, and everything goes well with proper planning. You come home, shower, sit back, and look at all your pictures and nothing but smiles. You gaze and stare at your partner and say “I had a stress-free holiday”.

The above is a perfect example of “Experimental Intimacy” when people bond during leisure activities. Now I am not talking about going on an excursion to build Experimental Intimacy with your partner. You can go on a hike, wash a car together, or even bake your favorite chocolate chip cookies. During that time, you get to communicate, talk, and open up about each other. We confide in people whom we trust. We also don’t expect them to embarrass or belittle us.

Have you ever told a friend about something personal? Only to have that friend expose what you said to everyone. This person has severed your trust and emotionally you withdraw from them, and frankly, this person is not a friend. True friends do not expose or tell secrets about one another. Now imagine if your loved one did that? How would you feel? Disgusted, or worse you feel it physically like a punch in the stomach.

Emotional intimacy is where one can allow yourself to connect more deeply with your partner through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities, and trust.  Couples are much happier when they can share and know they are in a judgment-free environment. If emotional intimacy is lacking, you may feel a lack of safety, love, and connection, and it also will most likely affect the physical intimacy in a romantic relationship.

Now imagine being in a relationship where it was all physical. Just like Bryan Adams’s famous song “One-night Love Affair,” would you feel empty? I know I would. Now put yourself in this situation. You just watched or read the news, and the government is raising interest rates. You are upset because you see the value of your dollar disappearing by the week. Coming home, you discuss the topic with your better half, and they use their critical thinking skills and state that higher interest rates decrease inflation. The wheels in your head begin to spin, and it makes sense. You smile and kiss your partner and say “why you are so bright”. This is a prime example of “Intellectual Intimacy”. In this relationship style, you want to spend significant amounts of time engaging together in what stimulates you mentally.

“Spiritual Intimacy” is essential, especially as we get older; we all start to believe in some form of a higher power. I believe in the big man in the sky now, whether your partner believes in the sun god or the little plant they bought at the local drug store no matter what you believe, it’s personal. Understanding your partner means understanding their beliefs and what they value the most. Remember Jean Reno’s character in the movie Leon. How much did he adore and love his plant?

We briefly just touched on the topics of intimacy and this is a good start for those on the path of searching for what love is. An equal to the search for love is the topic of communication.  Understanding intimacy styles and communication styles are important concepts for forming connections and relationships.  Communication is an essential element in the love quotient.  The better the communication, the better the depth of sharing, and the deeper the feelings become which lay the foundation for a solid connection. If love is the aim, then communication is the bow from which to shoot the word arrows to connect with your love. If love is the goal, then communication is the key.

We all wear a Mask

Being a child is fun; you eat, play, sleep and repeat. The beauty about being a child is that the truth comes out, and you get away with it from adults. However, as the years move on, not only physically do you change, but mentally also. For some, the mental aspect takes years, and science even says your brain is not fully grown until you are twenty-five years old.

“The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone”.

If you were to look back into your adolescents, at what age do you think you started to consider what to say before speaking? Did you think your words coming out of your mouth had repercussions?. How did you feel when someone told the truth and said the clothes you wore were outdated?. It is so easy to get caught up in your emotions that, if not checked, they will have a long-term effect on you.

If I was to go back to my adolescence, I wish someone would have sat me down and said, “be careful with the words that come out of your mouth. The deadliest weapon on earth is not the sword or the gun; it is the tongue.”

So how do we protect ourselves from the world’s deadliest weapon? We create a “body armor”, but this is an armor you cannot see. It’s invisible and expresses itself in many different forms. We wear masks to cover up the real us and how we are feeling. Wearing a mask protects us from vulnerability. Inside we want to tell people what is going on in our lives, but we fear being judged. Someone will make fun of us for what we believe and feel.

The Japanese say we wear three different types of masks. The first is the one you show the world. Social media is the perfect example of this form. You want to show the world, your peers, that life is good. You want to show the world that you are in charge, confident and perfect. Many of us have worn that mask that exacerbates class and makes this mask makes us so impenetrable that we forget who we are which can lead to confusion and even depression.

Now I am not saying it is horrible and fake to wear a mask. We all need this to protect ourselves from the elements. What are these elements? As human beings, we are social animals. We know how to detect weakness or strength, and some who can see a weakness become predators. We have to understand how to detect predators, and the first line of defense against such individuals is to wear a mask.

You have not reached life’s monumental moments if you do not face adversity. Your life experience and the stories that you can share provide knowledge that can be passed on to help and heal others. It is very accurate to say that if you wear a mask and hide your true self and your personal stories, you will miss the opportunities to connect.

Having good listening skills is the key to maintaining connections and authenticity. My favorite quote that I have kept on my smartphone says…

“If I am silent around you, it’s either because I am trying to figure you out, or I have already figured you out, and I don’t like you.”

In reality, when we drop the mask, when we drop the worry of being vulnerable, when we drop the need to be perfect we then open a door to our inner wisdom and to a life built on authenticity and connection.  After all isn’t that what matters most, the feeling of belonging?  Ignite your inner spirit and be who you are.

The human voice is fragile and susceptible to withering. Nevertheless, it is extremely effective, and our voice is our primary mode of communication. Our thoughts and ideas and feelings make their way through our bodies and out of our mouths. You may learn a lot about yourself by listening to your voice, and it can also make you feel anxious.

Your voice is an instrument and when our instrument is not in tune challenges can happen.  You may speak in a high or shallow pitch.  You may speak in a monotone manner, with no stresses or pauses. It’s possible that your quality of voice is too loud or too soft. You may sound too nasally or there’s a thin quality of your voice with no timbre. It’s quite possible that you don’t speak clearly; you might mumble or swallow your words. You might speak too quickly or too slowly causing others to either misunderstand or fall asleep. There are many aspects to this delicate instrument we possess and there are many reasons your voice may negatively impact your communication.

Hearing your own voice is disconcerting: it isn’t what you think you sound like on a recording and then that’s when you start to criticize yourself and lose confidence. Consequently, there aren’t many people who enjoy hearing themselves speak, and mostly it’s due to the way they think they sound. When we’re dissatisfied with our voice it becomes huge insecurity and that, in turn, keeps you back from free expression. Your voice is what you need to reflect who you are, what you think, what you feel, and how you share emotions, and it is how we connect with those around us.

The breath and the use of the diaphragm are the sources of our most delicate, precise, attractive, and natural voice. A person who uses diaphragmatic breathing to support the voice begins to command attention; the voice becomes rich and filled with color through a delicate balance of thought and emotion. When our breath is regulated, the vocal cords function at the correct tension (neither too tight which increases pitch nor too slack which impacts tone) the voice is well-supported by a balance of pressure.  Being in control of our bodies and brains, as well as generating sounds through proper diaphragmatic breathing, is what mastering our voice entails.

I’ve tried it, I’ve practiced it; I have looked at it as training in the gym only I am training my voice. Every night, I read the novel aloud for at least an hour to strengthen my diaphragmatic breathing and I practice connecting emotions through the words.  I am aware that slowing down my speech gives my voice greater authority and power. I am aware of how to utilize my breath which supports the quality of my voice and helps it sound much richer. To increase my capacity to speak clearly, I videotape myself reciting poetry, books, or sections of operas.  I then watch these recordings and look for ways to improve my pronunciation, delivery, and tempo. And of course, I always analyze my breathing.  Practice takes effort and the payoff, just like exercise, takes time but the results are so worth it, especially when it comes to increasing my confidence.

Breathing techniques, muscle and throat exercises, and frequent practice can help you strengthen your vocal apparatus (your instrument) and improve everything from speaking to a friend, in a boardroom, or in front of an audience, and even strengthen your singing voice. Many of us, including myself, battle with our voices. With a regular vocal workout, your weak voice can develop into an influential mechanism for communication. Because we all have immense untapped potential in our voices, we can improve how we sound it just takes applying techniques properly and practicing.

The dread of public speaking

You’ve heard the saying public speaking is feared worse than death. It’s a cliché, however, it holds true.  Public speaking strikes deep-rooted fear in most of us. But why are we so fearful of it? Well, that’s a longer psychological and physiological story.

What are you afraid of?

We’re afraid of failing, of looking stupid, of being made fun of, and that brings up the feeling of shame.  This fear we feel is basically developed from experiences of vulnerable moments of exposure at any point in our life.  This impacts us negatively and our bodies hold on to those destructive emotions over the years.  The subconscious consequences of those profound memories and emotions actually impact us in the present.  No wonder we’re frightened of public speaking or even relating to our partner!

What happens to you?

When we’re in our fear-based emotions the thought of speaking to, or in front of people, brings up anxiety. Fear and anxiety mingle and that anxiousness shuts down our abilities to access our authentic, charismatic selves.  We automatically jump into fight or flight mode and how our brain operates is affected: our frontal cortex slips offline. We stop thinking and stay in that fear; this emotional loop continues until we think our way out. This will only happen when we can calm down enough to bring our frontal cortex back online.  Yet when we’re in that moment of fear and dread it’s hard to “think our way out”, so there must be an alternate route? And this is where the breath comes in.  Breath can help regulate fear and Ignite Inc. can show you how to re-route anxiety.  Join one of our workshops and “Ignite your Freedom”!